Los Angeles Counseling and Psychotherapy - Marriage = Counseling - Life Coaching

By Gary Stollman, Ph.D.

What Is Perfectionism?

In this issue, we will explore what perfectionism is, = why it=20 is destructive, and take a look at some strategies for both=20 controlling the need to be perfect and living a more = relaxed,=20 satisfying life.

Perfectionists aspire to be top achievers and do not = allow=20 themselves to make even a single mistake. They are always on = the=20 alert for imperfections and weaknesses in themselves and = others.=20 They tend to be rigid thinkers who are on the lookout for = deviations=20 from the rules or the norm.

Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. = People=20 who pursue excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure = in=20 working to meet high standards. Perfectionists are motivated = by=20 self-doubt and fears of disapproval, ridicule, and = rejection. The=20 high producer has drive, while the perfectionist is = driven.

Causes and Characteristics

Fear of failure and rejection. The perfectionist = believes=20 that she will be rejected or fail if she is not always = perfect, so=20 she becomes paralyzed and unable to produce or perform at=20 all.

Fear of success. The perfectionist believes that = if he is=20 successful in what he undertakes, he will have to keep it = up. This=20 becomes a heavy burden=97who wants to operate at such a high = level all=20 of the time?

Low self-esteem. A perfectionist=92s needs for = love and=20 approval tend to blind her to the needs and wishes of = others. This=20 makes it difficult or impossible to have healthy = relationships with=20 others.

Black-and-white thinking. Perfectionists see most=20 experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect. = There is=20 nothing in between. The perfectionist believes that the = flawless=20 product or superb performance must be produced every time.=20 Perfectionists believe if it can=92t be done perfectly, = it=92s not worth=20 doing.

Extreme determination. Perfectionists are = determined to=20 overcome all obstacles to achieving success. This is also = true of=20 high achievers, but the perfectionist focuses only on the = result of=20 his efforts. He is unable to enjoy the process of producing = the=20 achievement. His relentless pursuit of the goal becomes his = downfall=20 because it often results in overwhelming anxiety, sabotaging = his=20 heroic efforts.

The Costs of Being a Perfectionist

Perfectionism always costs more than the benefits it = might=20 provide. It can result in being paralyzed with fear and = becoming so=20 rigid that a person is difficult to relate to. It can = produce=20 contradictory styles, from being highly productive to being=20 completely nonproductive. Some examples of these costs = include the=20 following:

Low self-esteem. Just as low self-esteem is a = cause of=20 perfectionist behavior, it is also a result. Because a = perfectionist=20 never feels good enough about himself or his personal = performance,=20 he usually feels like a loser or a failure.

Gloominess. Since a perfectionist is convinced = that it=20 will be next to impossible to achieve most goals, she can = easily=20 develop a negative attitude.

Depression. Perfectionists often feel discouraged = and=20 depressed because they are driven to be perfect but know = that it is=20 impossible to reach the ideal.

Guilt. Perfectionists never think they handle = things well.=20 They often feel a sense of shame and guilt as a = result.

Rigidity. Since perfectionists need to have = everything=20 meet an ideal, they tend to become inflexible and lack=20 spontaneity.

Lack of motivation. A person who expects = perfection may=20 never try new behaviors or learn new skills because she = thinks that=20 she will never be able to do it well enough. At other times, = she may=20 begin the new behavior but give up early because she fears = that she=20 will never reach her goal.

Paralysis. Since most perfectionists have an = intense fear=20 of failure, they sometimes become immobilized and stagnant. = Writers=20 who suffer from writer=92s block are examples of the = perfectionist=92s=20 paralysis.

Obsessive behavior. When a person needs a certain = order or=20 structure in his life, he may become overly focused on = details and=20 rules.

Compulsive behavior. A perfectionist who feels = like a=20 failure or loser may medicate him- or herself with alcohol, = drugs,=20 food, shopping, sex, gambling, or other high-risk = behaviors.

Eating disorders. Many studies have determined = that=20 perfectionism is a central issue for people who develop = eating=20 disorders.

The Perfectionist versus The High = Achiever

People produce many of their best achievements when they = are=20 striving to do their best. High achievers, like = perfectionists, want=20 to be better people and achieve great things. Unlike = perfectionists,=20 high achievers accept that making mistakes and risking = failure are=20 part of the achievement process=97and part of being = human.

Emotionally Healthy High Producers

You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. = People=20 who accomplish plenty and stay emotionally healthy tend to = exhibit=20 the following behaviors:

=95 Set standards that are high but achievable.

=95 Enjoy the process, not just the outcome.

=95 Recover from disappointment quickly.

=95 Are not disabled by anxiety and fear of = failure.

=95 View mistakes as opportunities for growth and = learning.

=95 React positively to constructive feedback.

Once you are aware of the ways by which you expect = yourself to be=20 perfect, you can start to change your behavior.

Create a Support Network for Yourself

Seek out people who are not perfectionists. Encourage = your=20 support network to not be rigid or moralistic in their = attempts to=20 keep you on an honest course. Look for people who forgive = and forget=20 when mistakes, failures, offenses, or backsliding occur. Ask = them to=20 tell you when they think you are being rigid, unrealistic, = or=20 idealistic in your behavior. Ask them to give you positive=20 reinforcement for any positive change, no matter how small. = Seek out=20 people who have a sincere interest in your personal = growth.

Do Some Self-Exploration

Explore the following questions in your journal, print = out this=20 page and make some notes here, or discuss them with a = trusted friend=20 or professional counselor:

1. Where do you see perfectionist behavior in your=20 life?

2. How do these behaviors create problems for=20 you?

3. What perfectionist beliefs do you=20 have?

4. How do you think these beliefs will affect your = ability to=20 change your behavior?

5. What do you need to do to become less of a = perfectionist and=20 more relaxed about things?

6. How can you use your support system to help yourself = be less=20 of a perfectionist?

Identify Alternative Behaviors

Make a list of specific perfectionist behaviors that you = want to=20 change. For each one, think of something specific you could = do=20 instead. For example:

=95 Perfectionist behavior: I expect my teenage daughter = to pick up=20 the clothes off her floor and make her bed every = day.

=95 Alternative behavior: I can expect my daughter to = clean her=20 room every Saturday and I will close her door every other=20 day.

Note your own examples here:

Perfectionist behaviors:

Alternative behaviors:

Lower Your Expectations

It is very important to understand that it is unrealistic = to=20 expect to change your behavior (or someone else=92s) = immediately or=20 completely.

Make a List

of the Advantages and Disadvantages of Being = Perfect

You may find that perfection is too costly. Perhaps you = will=20 discover that relationship problems, endless working, and = other=20 compulsive behaviors (eating disorders and substance abuse = problems)=20 are too high a price for the results you gain from your=20 perfectionist way of being.

Pay Attention to Your Behavior and = Attitudes

As you=20 see yourself behaving in a perfectionist way, take note. In = the=20 beginning, just observe yourself. Keep a log if it helps you = see=20 your behavior more clearly. You don=92t have to make any = changes until=20 you have a good idea of your specific behaviors and=20 thoughts.

Try Some New Thoughts and Behaviors

Begin to substitute the alternative behaviors you = identified=20 earlier. If possible, ask someone from your support network = for=20 feedback. Observe your feelings and thoughts as you try new=20 things.

Review Your Goals and Make Sure They Are = Realistic

By having achievable, realistic goals, you will gradually = see=20 that less-than-perfect results are not as disastrous as you = thought=20 they would be.

Set Strict Time Limits for Your = Projects

When the time is up, move on to another task or take a=20 break.

Make Friends with Criticism

Many perfectionists take criticism personally and respond = defensively. If someone criticizes you when you make a = mistake, the=20 easiest thing to do is to simply admit it. Remind yourself = that you=20 are human, meaning you will sometimes make mistakes. The = people who=20 never make mistakes are no longer learning or growing. Learn = to=20 re-frame criticism and see it as information you can learn=20 from.

When you let go of the fantasy that humans must be = perfect to=20 have value in this world, you are less likely to feel angry = or=20 embarrassed when you make a mistake. You will see that = criticism is=20 information that you can learn from, and you will no longer = need to=20 avoid it.